Air Force One Staffers Held Hostage

It’s a well-discussed fact that Donald Trump doesn’t travel well, particularly on long trips. He often complains about the fast pace for trips abroad where he has to carry out executive duties and adhere to others’ schedules. But now staff on Air Force One is openly talking to the press about how much they dread taking international trips with him, how difficult he is and that “it's like being held captive.” Considering his summer schedule and how jam packed it is with diplomatic travel, the fact that these stories are leaking by Memorial Day does not bode well for us as a country.

It’s hard to take a man complaining about a lack of elegance seriously when he’s been photographed half-way through a bucket of extra-crispy. Even when the bucket of chicken is strategically placed on the Wall Street Journal to look classy.

Let’s say, for arguments sake, that Trump’s poor traveling attitude and balking at his accommodations are based on his superior hotelier acumen and that he is so used to providing such tremendous service at his own properties that nothing short of spectacular will do. But this is not the case. I present to you how the Trump Grill in Trump Tower in New York City serves a martini…in a chardonnay glass…WITH ICE. Before you start to say this is no big deal, tell a loyal martini drinker about this and see what kind of reaction you get. It won’t be good.

It gets worse. Apparently BLT Prime by David Burke located in the Trump International Hotel in Washington, D.C. serves ‘“Clothesline” Candied Bacon’ as an appetizer for $21 dollars. Let me repeat that, it costs $21 dollars to get some maple bacon on a string from the backyard. Some people can’t even afford a complete washer and dryer set-up and still have to use an actual clothesline, but this is sold at a Trump property as a gourmet proposition. It’s not even charming or bohemian enough to make it seem trendy or chic. It looks like a horror movie strung up with rosemary to reassure you that you will make it out of there alive. I’m still not sure what purpose the pickles and lime serve and neither is most of Twitter. Somebody make the lambs stop screaming.

Reports about Trump’s inability to understand five star dining are notorious. He’s been photographed with a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken and has served fast-food to visiting sports teams for formal ceremonies at the White House. Even the pictures of the omelet bar at Mar-A-Lago don’t hold a candle to a good old fashioned brunch at Marie Calendars before brunch was even a thing. Bottom line, Trump wouldn’t know high quality if it bit him so this argument that he’s just a hospitality guru who refuses to lower his impeccable standards doesn’t really work. It’s hard to take a man complaining about a lack of elegance seriously when he’s been photographed half-way through a bucket of extra-crispy. Even when the bucket of chicken is strategically placed on the Wall Street Journal to look classy.

So with a lack of real standards and no reason to complain about the exceptional service Air Force One staffers undoubtedly supply, the only conclusion to be made is that Trump just enjoys being as difficult as he can. This isn’t that surprising for someone who is desperate to appear like he has standards, when he truly doesn't. He’s been pretending to be the Monopoly guy for decades but his acting skills are just as terrible as his “being rich” skills.

Put him in a recliner with a Pabst pull tab in his hand and you’ve got my grandfather, who also had some jarring racist tendencies.

Air Force One Staffers say that “Trump will spend hours reviewing cable news coverage recorded on a TiVo-like device or sifting through cardboard boxes of newspapers and magazines that have been lugged aboard.” Put him in a recliner with a Pabst pull tab in his hand and you’ve got my grandfather, who also had some jarring racist tendencies. Plane attendants also claim “he never sleeps much-four or five hours per night at the White House-and sleeps even less on his plane. Instead, he will hold court for hours on end…and the chit chat is not always business-the President will quiz staffers about sports or catch up on gossip.” Now I’m thinking he’s actually more like my grandmother, who would occasionally double dose on her diet pills to “catch up on housework” while she made me sit with her and watch Mash re-runs.

Just like my grandparents, he complains about long trips and not being able to sleep in his own bed and makes everyone suffer when he is uncomfortable on any level. And just like that time my grandparents drove across country for that one Thanksgiving, endangering the lives of everyone on the road, I will be holding my breath while Trump logs those 36,000 miles this summer. I mean, imagine what will happen when the Japanese offer him sushi.

Amee Vanderpool writes the “Shero and a Scholar” Newsletter and is an attorney, contributor to Playboy Magazine, analyst for BBC radio and Director of The Inanna Project. She can be reached at avanderpool@gmail.com or follow her on Twitter @girlsreallyrule.