We Lost a Legend

Ruth Bader Ginsberg died on Friday evening after losing her battle with metastatic pancreatic cancer. She was only 87 years old, but represented a struggle that has lasted thousands of years.

(Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg greets participants at an annual Women's History Month reception hosted by Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) in the US Capitol Building on Capitol Hill in Washington, DC on March 18, 2015 honoring the women Justices of the US Supreme Court. (Photo by Allison Shelley/via Getty Images)

I won’t be doing the Sunday Recap this week. There is no way to summarize quick little tidbits of the latest atrocities committed by the Trump administration when the nation is grieving such a loss and facing a true point of no return. On her death bed, Ruth Bader Ginsberg (RBG) asked her granddaughter, Clara Spera, to write down her last, most important words: "My most fervent wish is that I will not be replaced until a new president is installed." Justice Ginsberg died in the same way she lived — by looking out for all of us until the very end.

There are many things to say about RBG, about her life and dedication to her work that seem fitting in a proper tribute. But, a timeline of accomplishments, written down for history books just feels empty. Recounting all of the times that RBG inspired me to do or feel something also seems inadequate, and there are simply too many of these experiences to recount. This lady and what she means to me, to us, is simply too much to boil down to anecdotes or small details. I am a tall woman, who ironically and somewhat fittingly, has now fallen short.

Donors gave $1.5 million in contributions from 8 p.m. Eastern Time on Friday evening, following the announcement of Justice Ginsburg’s death. After setting a record for dollars raised in that one hour on Friday, donors broke that record by giving $6.3 million during the 10:00-10:59 p.m. hour. Donors also set the record for dollars raised in one day yesterday after 1.2 million people donated a total of $70.6 million on Saturday. Clearly, I am not alone in my grief.

(A woman in Washington Square Park in Manhattan, NY, holds a sign at the RBG memorial at a candlelight vigil and memorial on September 19, to mourn the loss of Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Photo by Erik McGregor/via Getty Images)

Last year, I was asked to write a review of sorts for the new RBG biopic that was coming out. I had just started transitioning from practicing law full time into writing full time and I was constantly wondering if following through with my dreams was really the best idea. I had all of those practical worries a good lawyer should have — I even had several running lists scattered throughout my home and car detailing all of the pros and cons along with notes about possible pitfalls.

Something shifted with this next assignment, though. I sat in my car and watched the rain come down, as I googled movie times nearby and spoke with my mother on the phone.

“They want me to write a review…about a movie. A movie about Ruth Bader Ginsberg, can you believe it?” I was excitedly telling my mother about the emailed instructions I had just gotten and how I was getting paid to go to the movies in the middle of the day, one of my secret guilty pleasures I have had all my life.

“Oh, I can believe it. This is perfect for you and now you know you are in the exact right place,” my mom said.

“I feel like RBG is giving me her blessing to leave and go write, I know that’s crazy,” I said.

“Amee,” said my mother, “I’m pretty sure that’s what I just told you.”

(A mourner holds a sign as people gather at a makeshift memorial for late Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg on the steps of the Supreme Court buidling, in Washington, DC, on September 18, 2020. Ginsberg famously said, "When I'm sometimes asked 'When will there be enough [women on the Supreme Court]?' and I say 'When there are nine,' people are shocked. But there'd been nine men, and nobody's ever raised a question about that." Photo by Alex Edelman/via Getty Images)

Justice Ginsberg never ceased to be in my professional periphery, even as I switched my focus to writing. Everything else I had done had formed the foundation for what I was doing now, and it was as if she had become more inspirational, even as I proceeded down this new career avenue and tentatively strolled these strange, unfamiliar streets.

Trust your gut. Know your heart. Do what you are called and compelled to do and the universe will let you know you are in the right place. These are things I tell myself when I am unsure about making a decision. Sitting in the dark movie theater, I was thinking about all of the things I could say to honor RBG. I was filled with inspiration, but better than that, I knew this was exactly where I was supposed to be.

On Friday night I sat in my usual spot, a place in my living room that provides me with a view of the entire room as well as a snippet of the quaint street I live on and the night sky, which is typically unusual to access in the city. The room was dark and I had been crying for hours….the kind of crying you only do when you are alone, the kind that actually hurts physically.

(A note is placed near mourners lighting candles below a mural of late US Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg by artist Rose Jaffe, in Washington, DC, late on September 18, 2020. (Photo by Alex Adelman/via Getty Images)

I looked at the still room and out of the window through swollen eyes and saw a spectacular moon and the trees whipping wildly around, almost in a circle. It was like several little tree conductors directing a silent and magnificent production. I thought about how RBG adored the opera and I sent her off with a gentle waive, wished her well and cried myself to sleep.

I have been consumed with the pain of not knowing how to express what a tiny person with a giant spirit did for me and the way in which I can show her some kind of gratitude. How do you show thanks and appreciation to someone who has meant so much to you, who has helped to craft you into the woman you have become? How do you mourn for someone you did not really know, but who has filled a place in your thoughts and heart as if she were your own grandmother? How do you say goodbye to the role model you have watched your entire life for guidance and for hope? How do you express what this icon did for you and who you became simply because she existed?

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg at Georgetown University in Washington, DC, April 27, 2017, aptly pictured beneath an exit sign. (Photo by Saul Loeb/via Getty Images)

You get up. You put one foot in front of the other. You hold on to every last ounce of hope you have left in the very depths of your soul, and you use what you have learned to fall back on your tireless training and keep pushing. You push against every metaphorical wall just like Ruth did, always cognizant of those around you who are being thrown down and trampled upon. You keep fighting for those who cannot, and you try to make this world a fairer, more just place.

I have to remind myself just to be me, except a better version, re-invigorated with the spirit of RBG’s relentless optimism and kick. When the swirling trees come back each season, I will be reminded of the need to up my game to honor the spirit of Justice Ginsburg, and I will take comfort in knowing that maybe she can see me. Even if she can’t, I know at the very least her energy went through me, and I am remembering to use it now — and that is enough.

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Amee Vanderpool writes the SHERO Newsletter and is an attorney, published author, contributor to newspapers and magazines and analyst for BBC radio. She can be reached at avanderpool@gmail.com or follow her on Twitter @girlsreallyrule.

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