Trump's Greatest Coronavirus Hits
The coronavirus is clearly not contained and reports keep flooding in about federal test kits that are faulty. Even the Deputy Consul of the U.S. Embassy in Tokyo refused to test employees exposed to the virus from the Japanese cruise ship and then tried to deter them from getting private testing, likely so that the results would not get out. The death toll in the United States keeps rising, as does the spread of contamination and at least 152 patients with COVID-19 have been treated in 16 states.
There is also new information that the novel coronavirus has mutated into two strains dubbed the āLā and āSā type. The S-type appears to be milder and less infectious, while the L-type, which emerged later, spreads quickly, is more aggressive and currently accounts for around 70% of cases. A patient can apparently have both strains at once, how awesome is that.
Add to all of this that when I read that Amazon had confirmed that an employee who works in its Seattle office had tested positive for the coronavirus, I decided to research how long the virus can live on surfaces. Needless to say, when I discovered that the coronavirus can remain infectious on inanimate surfaces for up to nine days at room temperature, my freakout level went to red on that terrorist chart thingy that we used to use after 9-11. You know, the highest level.
Given that the news continues to be scary and that all is lost with regard to the federal government saving us (in fact Iām pretty sure they are actively deploying the āletās just see how this thing shakes out, we are all insulated in our pretty White Houseā approach), it seems that the proper course of action right now is to employ humor. To justify the levity, I will also instruct you not to shake hands, to wash your hands for two rounds of āHappy Birthdayā or 30 seconds (that song will never leave our heads now every time we wash our hands for the rest of our lives, oh joy), to make sure your antibacterial spray has at least an 82% concentration of alcohol and to stop touching your face. Go ahead, try it.
Stop touching your face for thirty minutes and see what happens, I DARE YOU (I actively tried it last night and then cried myself to sleep). Then read through my greatest hits below and be sure to click on the video in each tweet to get the full experience.
Day 1: Name a patsy āļø.
I donāt think we can truly call the coronavirus a hoax to defeat Trump until Trump actually contracts the coronavirus.
āWhy canāt we just use the flu vaccine for it?ā I actually heard a lot of people clapping and saying āgood answer, good answerā in my head like an episode of Family Feud.
āI mean, Iād like to have a vaccine made in a couple of hours and available at a drive-thruā¦that would save a lot of time for me.ā ā Trump in his head probably
Donāt worry, weāre ordering a lot of elements.
If youāre gonna try and spin that this is Obamaās coronavirus, then youāre going to have to admit itās his economy, too.
Dr. Faucci explains that itās just the elderly with obesity dying from coronavirus while Trump ironically tunes out.
When all else fails, get biblical on its ass.
We all know little Jimmy is lying and trying to make a bad joke for attention but just give him a sticker already so heāll shut it and we can move on.
Turns out that fighting coronavirus is MUCH cheaper than fighting Stormy Daniels.
I have a great idea for this pandemic ā letās get two old guys to try and use a slide show to explain it.
Donāt worry, the most honest man to ever live in the White House has āa hunch.ā
Trump claims the issue of coronavirus for the uninsured is a sudden and surprising aspect completely independent of his intention to destroy the ACA and Medicaid benefits cause poor peopleā¦ewwww.
Corona flu, schmirona flu, letās call the whole thing off while I falsely report statistics and you head on in to work.
To conclude, I leave you with this advice: in trying times itās always best to turn British ā stiff upper lip, keep calm and carry on and brew a hot beverage. Also, be sure to stay informed enough, but donāt get obsessed (too late) and donāt panic. Wash your hands for longer than you were (I know you werenāt doing it long enough, I see you) and try not to touch your face as much as before ā just do your best because the odds are still heavily on our sides. We will get through this together. š
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Amee Vanderpool writes the āSheroā Newsletter and is an attorney, contributor toĀ magazines and newspapers and an analyst forĀ BBC radio. She can be reached at avanderpool@gmail.com or follow her on TwitterĀ @girlsreallyrule.
He just lies and lies and lies, and those lies get more exaggerated and completely incredible every day, and yet his supporters just don't give a f-ck! It blows my mind. I'll give him this, though: He WAS telling the truth when he said that he could shoot someone on 5th Avenue and he wouldn't lose a single voter.
We live in a country of dunces.
Oh, and as far as the Coronavirus itself is concerned, judging by the number of creeps in my office building who go to the bathroom and don't wash their hands when they're done, I'd say that A) Many people are not taking this seriously, and B) People are gross, so we are basically doomed. And then people wonder why I'm a germaphobe?
I'm laughing right now, while still freaking out here in beautiful Cabo because my husband has a COLD. IS IT REALLY JUST A COLD??? In all seriousness though - you are absolutely right. This is not just an average flu. At times such as this, we all look to our leaders (mine being the mildly hot, former Obama BFF, Justin Trudeau) for guidance as well as the truth. Trump is a known germaphobe. One would think that he of all people would put politics aside and actually give a FF that people are frightened AND dying. That he is politicizing and downplaying something as serious as this once again demonstrates how truly unfit he is to lead your beautiful country.