Trump's Greatest Coronavirus Hits

The coronavirus is clearly not contained and reports keep flooding in about federal test kits that are faulty. Even the Deputy Consul of the U.S. Embassy in Tokyo refused to test employees exposed to the virus from the Japanese cruise ship and then tried to deter them from getting private testing, likely so that the results would not get out. The death toll in the United States keeps rising, as does the spread of contamination and at least 152 patients with COVID-19 have been treated in 16 states.

There is also new information that the novel coronavirus has mutated into two strains dubbed the ‘L’ and ‘S’ type. The S-type appears to be milder and less infectious, while the L-type, which emerged later, spreads quickly, is more aggressive and currently accounts for around 70% of cases. A patient can apparently have both strains at once, how awesome is that.

Add to all of this that when I read that Amazon had confirmed that an employee who works in its Seattle office had tested positive for the coronavirus, I decided to research how long the virus can live on surfaces. Needless to say, when I discovered that the coronavirus can remain infectious on inanimate surfaces for up to nine days at room temperature, my freakout level went to red on that terrorist chart thingy that we used to use after 9-11. You know, the highest level.

Given that the news continues to be scary and that all is lost with regard to the federal government saving us (in fact I’m pretty sure they are actively deploying the “let’s just see how this thing shakes out, we are all insulated in our pretty White House” approach), it seems that the proper course of action right now is to employ humor. To justify the levity, I will also instruct you not to shake hands, to wash your hands for two rounds of “Happy Birthday” or 30 seconds (that song will never leave our heads now every time we wash our hands for the rest of our lives, oh joy), to make sure your antibacterial spray has at least an 82% concentration of alcohol and to stop touching your face. Go ahead, try it.

Stop touching your face for thirty minutes and see what happens, I DARE YOU (I actively tried it last night and then cried myself to sleep). Then read through my greatest hits below and be sure to click on the video in each tweet to get the full experience.

Day 1: Name a patsy ✔️.

I don’t think we can truly call the coronavirus a hoax to defeat Trump until Trump actually contracts the coronavirus.

“Why can’t we just use the flu vaccine for it?” I actually heard a lot of people clapping and saying “good answer, good answer” in my head like an episode of Family Feud.

“I mean, I’d like to have a vaccine made in a couple of hours and available at a drive-thru…that would save a lot of time for me.” — Trump in his head probably

Don’t worry, we’re ordering a lot of elements.

If you’re gonna try and spin that this is Obama’s coronavirus, then you’re going to have to admit it’s his economy, too.

Dr. Faucci explains that it’s just the elderly with obesity dying from coronavirus while Trump ironically tunes out.

When all else fails, get biblical on its ass.

We all know little Jimmy is lying and trying to make a bad joke for attention but just give him a sticker already so he’ll shut it and we can move on.

Turns out that fighting coronavirus is MUCH cheaper than fighting Stormy Daniels.

I have a great idea for this pandemic — let’s get two old guys to try and use a slide show to explain it.

Don’t worry, the most honest man to ever live in the White House has “a hunch.”

Trump claims the issue of coronavirus for the uninsured is a sudden and surprising aspect completely independent of his intention to destroy the ACA and Medicaid benefits cause poor people…ewwww.

Corona flu, schmirona flu, let’s call the whole thing off while I falsely report statistics and you head on in to work.

To conclude, I leave you with this advice: in trying times it’s always best to turn British — stiff upper lip, keep calm and carry on and brew a hot beverage. Also, be sure to stay informed enough, but don’t get obsessed (too late) and don’t panic. Wash your hands for longer than you were (I know you weren’t doing it long enough, I see you) and try not to touch your face as much as before — just do your best because the odds are still heavily on our sides. We will get through this together. 😉


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Amee Vanderpool writes the “Shero” Newsletter and is an attorney, contributor to magazines and newspapers and an analyst for BBC radio. She can be reached at avanderpool@gmail.com or follow her on Twitter @girlsreallyrule.